It’s the vacation after 12th, my engineering entrance exams are over. These days all I want to do is to get engaged into something and forget myself into it. I just want to be involved all the time. Actually, it’s a kind of an escapism from a lot of things going through my mind otherwise. My recent obsession is movies. I now watch at least two movies a day, mostly random ones. Then, reading random books. Recently finished a book, ‘Baumgartner’s Bombay’- Anita Desai, a good one actually.
What’s engulfing me all the time is the uncertainty I have about where I am going to be perhaps after 3 months, I don’t know what I will be studying, doing, thinking, whether I will be happy or will anyone or anything would make me so. And reading this, please don’t think I’m in any doomed situation, dull with no hope etc.. It’s just some kind of anxiety and hate about a lot of things. A lot of things pop up in my mind without my permission. I get angry, irritated all the time thinking about the conservative life everyone is bound to. If people try to think out of the box, then they just can’t belong to mainstream. And of course, that is the most difficult thing – ‘belonging’.
Looking back, there are a lot of things that happened to me in these 18 years. My school, St.mary’s, is of course a major part. Right now, I can’t pass the usual dialogues like, “Yeah, it made me who I am” and stuff like that. The reality is that it hasn’t made me, but helped me to retain myself, not only me but also I think it’s the same for everyone else too. I just miss the whole atmosphere. There’s something about it which I can never forget, the kind of acceptance I had which later I think I almost broke, sadly. Just one week ago, I felt like never going back to it again, but right now I do wanna go back, which of course is technically impossible. I want to go back there, see all my friends again, walk with them, up and down the small corridors we had. Things were a lot strict but after all, everything turns out to be quite wonderful.
I have some kind of feeling like I haven’t been a perfect student last year, which I always longed to be in eyes of my teachers and the principal. That was one of my personal satisfactions but last year, I broke it, not quite intentionally though. I feel like I couldn’t get the time and opportunity and most importantly, the mental state to contribute much as a head girl. First few months were good but later, willingly or not, priorities were shifted. I just want to go there and say a really nice goodbye to everyone. I just love everyone. Things could have been a lot better. I could have made it better.
What I am trying to do now is to live in the present. Either I will be dwelling about the past or building hopes, worrying, dreaming, or planning, and again planning, and the planning never ends. But in the end, plans are pretty good for me too, it’s a kind of a trigger in my case, because I am too lazy to work certain things out at times.