Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Infinite Possibilities

The future seems so bright
yet so uncertain
Should i keep with the flow
Should i change things
Should i decide my fate
Should i let time take the toll
They say the future is in your hands
They say you can control it
They say u define it
What if its choking me with uncertainty
What if it is the lack of uncertainty that scares me
What if I have predicted things
Scary things u would never believe
Why is the pain engulfing me?
Are my thoughts feeding on my present?
They say you only got one life
Should I feed it to the monster called future
And Let its vicious hands grab me,
Finally choking me to death?
There are things I need to do
Thoughts I need to let go
I need to trust myself
I need to trust circumstances
I need to trust people
Yes! People can be trusted
"Dear self, they wont hurt you
Future is good
People can be good
There are good and bad in this world
Maybe you are destined to feel the good
Be naked and let destiny touch you
Stop blocking the world
Stop destructing yourself
Stop feeling only pain
Question your assumptions
Question the predictability
Because life can be incredibly, wildly, unpredictably good
If You just take a fresh breath
Open your eyes wide
Do things you ought to do
Do things you want to do
Feel life. Feel air. Feel the present
Feel the Infinite possibilities
Do you feel your breath?
Well, that's the metabolism of the present
Future is an illusion
An illusion we create in our mind
Now is the time. Your breath is the reality.
Open your heart and live every moment of your breath
After all..
The Present defines the Future"

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Shift to a Different Life!!

 I know this post is a little too late to mark my beginning at college, since it has been already two months there.  My life had a complete twist lately which I never thought would ever happen. My final board marks weren't excellent due to random reasons which I would like to forget. I did pretty ok (better than school exam) in the entrance exams. I was allotted in Mohandas College of Engineering and Technology, which is a good private college, but I wasn't very happy about it. But I got to accept the fate which I bought myself. I went there for a week. We had orientation classes throughout the week and aptitude tests on each subject daily. Within a week, i made a lot of friends there. The college is in Nedumangad, which is almost one and a half hour travel via my college bus. Days were tiresome , still I enjoyed the orientation stuff. But I always had regrets in my mind because this was never my destination and I was in the wrong place, and the worst feeling was the thought that everything could have been much better if I din't commit any of the mistakes I did last year.

So the last day of the week, mother came to pick me up from the bus stop. She told please dont get excited and told me that there has been a call for further allotment of candidates in Sree Chitra Thirunal College of Engineering. I was totally surprised. I just wanted it so much. I wanted an escape from here. Hopefully I got there in my preferred branch 'Computer Science and Engineering'. Those days, I was the happiest person in the world because whatever happened was totally out of luck. Finally everything felt right. Very happy about it. It was like someone had forgiven me for the stupid things I did in 12th.

So first day in college.. I went with my mother. It was inauguration day for freshers. Next day, regular classes started. Straight to studies. In between our class got completely shuffled due to further allotments, some new faces, some friends gone.. Finally R12 , our batch of 63, we got the finalised roll records. I just love our class. Everyone are so welcoming. There's a positive air about everything and everyone.

Within two weeks of our entry, one week went off with a strike by college Sfi unit. It was against an illegal appointment of a lab superintendent. Anyways those days were cool! One complete week , and no classes! SCT = Freedom. Thats the correct word. We can just do our own thing. I am lucky to be here.
Then, one other news was that I contested as class representative for Sfi and lost by 2 votes :( yaa.. but we won the College Union, so atleast happy about it. But it was an experience contesting, meaning I got a lot of friends, came to know many seniors and I got a feeling I'm part of something, involved even now, a voice.. So I am leaving now making a desicion to weekly scribble something here, heart-broken by my dull looking blog with my 'once-in-a-year' posts!!

Friday, May 10, 2013


It’s the vacation after 12th, my engineering entrance exams are over. These days all I want to do is to get engaged into something and forget myself into it. I just want to be involved all the time. Actually, it’s a kind of an escapism from a lot of things going through my mind otherwise. My recent obsession is movies. I now watch at least two movies a day, mostly random ones. Then, reading random books. Recently finished a book, ‘Baumgartner’s Bombay’- Anita Desai,  a good one actually.

What’s engulfing me all the time is the uncertainty I have about where I am going to be perhaps after 3 months, I don’t know what I will be studying, doing, thinking, whether I will be happy or will anyone or anything would make me so.  And reading this, please don’t think I’m in any doomed situation, dull with no hope etc.. It’s just some kind of anxiety and hate about a lot of things. A lot of things pop up in my mind without my permission. I get angry, irritated all the time thinking about the conservative life everyone is bound to. If people try to think out of the box, then they just can’t belong to mainstream. And of course, that is the most difficult thing – ‘belonging’.

Looking back, there are a lot of things that happened to me in these 18 years. My school, St.mary’s, is of course a major part. Right now, I can’t pass the usual dialogues like, “Yeah, it made me who I am” and stuff like that. The reality is that it hasn’t made me, but helped me to retain myself, not only me but also I think it’s the same for everyone else too. I just miss the whole atmosphere. There’s something about it which I can never forget, the kind of acceptance I had which later I think I almost broke, sadly. Just one week ago, I felt like never going back to it again, but right now I do wanna go back, which of course is technically impossible. I want to go back there, see all my friends again, walk with them, up and down the small corridors we had. Things were a lot strict but after all, everything turns out to be quite wonderful.

I have some kind of feeling like I haven’t been a perfect student last year, which I always longed to be in eyes of my teachers and the principal. That was one of my personal satisfactions but last year, I broke it, not quite intentionally though. I feel like I couldn’t get the time and opportunity and most importantly, the mental state to contribute much as a head girl. First few months were good but later, willingly or not, priorities were shifted. I just want to go there and say a really nice goodbye to everyone. I just love everyone. Things could have been a lot better. I could have made it better.

What I am trying to do now is to live in the present. Either I will be dwelling about the past or building hopes, worrying, dreaming, or planning, and again planning, and the planning never ends. But in the end, plans are pretty good for me too, it’s a kind of a trigger in my case, because I am too lazy to work certain things out at times.

Monday, April 2, 2012

After a Pretty Long Time..

 Its been an year since i posted here.. I had no time to think about it.. Last time it was 'first year in higher secondary' and now its 'first year over!!'.. It all went so fast than i could imagine. I still feel like I wrote the 10th exam just a few days ago!. One year went like the blink of an eye. I know I was writing here before about the challenges and dreams and ... such and such.. and its still on with full swing. Last year was good for me. It was... satisfying.

I just went through all my old articles that I have posted here since my 8th standard , small things were so exciting for me.. all those small trips, vacation, school and so..,  and i am really surprised by the way i changed all through. I really enjoy reading them now because i like that feel of my innocence then which i understood only now, the famous Innocence of Childhood!.. I have read and heard that when we grow up normally our perceptions about everything change, our approaches, our visions, the perspective by which we see things..everything has a big change. I have really understood it and experienced it now. But I know it isn't over yet.. more change is on its way, but i am happy that most of them turns out to be positive.. 'Learning from Experiences'.. and I am totally in love with the word CHANGE.

Now its vacation LITERALLY, but really busy days. Lot to do. Preperation for next year and completing pending things.. and related stuff.. Its gonna be tough days coming ahead.. So i'm not gonna be here for a couple of months from now. In between I read some books. I had made a review here before about  The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It was so inspiring and I was tempted to read more of his books. I read his Veronika Decides to Die and the Aleph. Very deep books.. not everyone would find it very interesting.. i'm sure about that.! Little swept away by them.  But I think next time I am gonna pick a different book of totally different style... and that definitely is gonna happen only after one year. !